Day 19: Gambl'n

Traffic is fucked in Hollywood. Good thing I'm riding a bike. I pull up to the Italian festival and lock up. I use meatball sandwiches and beer to fuel me in a losing battle of "Bacci". Carrie and Dewey destroy Joe and I. Racing horses with rolling golf balls, number 12 is a cheat, machine guns with broken sights, balloons for pictures, and a "Gravitron" that barely runs. A couple of hours later, I'm armed with beer, jager, ice cream and chips setting out on a gambling adventure at D & J's. I keep losing. I keep drinking. Jager shakes are no longer a "good idea". Jager shots are out of the question. Why did I have to bring "Wheels" into this? Not one hand! Not one fucking hand brings me victory! Maybe I should pay better attention. Mental note; if I announce my hand on accident and Joe is still in...he has a better hand. $10 more and I'm done. Handshakes, knuckles, and hugs. "Don't worry about it, I rode my bike. I won't kill anyone besides my self. S'cool." At home, I pass out with the front door open sprawled half way on the couch. Goodnight.

Day 18: Beard Friday

My goodness Fridays are slow! I can feel my beard growing. Below you will find some top beards that Randu submitted. ZZ Top, Lincoln, Marx, and Jesse these are definitely beards worth considering. From now on the whole top beard list will no longer be confined to film and television. The only requirement is; the people we examine have to have real beards (I say this cause of movies with great beards that are clearly fake).
The whole ZZ Top thing is dead on. I wish it wasn't since it's so obvious, but it is. Do they get the first two slots or are they a team? Currently, they are giving Grizzly Adams a run for his money. Two against one, bad odds Grizzly.
Lincoln you have to give props to. He shaved his mustache to draw attention to his beard, it's so great he doesn't need a mustache. He's like a fat guy who wears tight clothes...all confidence.
The only thing that is able to exist on Marx's face, besides his beard, is forehead and eyes. It looks like someone loaded a shotgun with a beard and shot him in the head (I wish I could have used this analogy with Lincoln).
Finally, Uncle Jesse...need I say more? Yes, this is not the Uncle Jesse from "Full House". Though if this Uncle Jesse had a catch phrase it might have been, "The Beard."

Day 17: Baseball beard

The cars are backed up to Figueroa. Standstill. I cut through them like piss through snow. These are the days that I love being a cyclist. I'm home in 15 minutes while some vehicles barely move. After cleaning up, me, Papa Hoppins, and Diggie head out to Dodger stadium. They're playing the Rockies. Chris joins us and I am reminded of a beard that should be in the top 5 list (Loosely, since the top 5 is of film and television, but Baseball is a broadcast sport). Johnny Damon. His beard was magnificent. I believe that this is where he hid most of his skill. I support this with data. The JD on the left is from 2005. A magnificent display of beard prowess with a .316 batting average. Now, if we compare that with the wussified Yankee a year later we see "douche bag" written across his face and a batting average of .285 . The Beards win, but the Dodgers lose.

Day 16: Dad in town

The central library in downtown is crazy. I haven't been there since I first moved here over 3 years ago. Back then I would use the 15 minute computers. Waiting in line there would always be homeless people in front of me looking up porn. I guess that's what happens when you don't own privacy. Coming back, I had to get a new card. After that I went into the international language area to get me some frog speak followed by the movie section. They have as many movies as some video stores. Everywhere I went I was instantly helped. This is due to my beard growth. No one wants to ignore a beard. Leaving, I walked through a little food market that was set up outside. People were standing out in front of booths with plates of samples. Everytime I walked by one of them they would shout out, "Hey Beardy, you want to try...(fill in the blank)?" It's definitely an adjustment always having people being nice to my beard and them giving me things.
My Dad's beard got into town late today. I will be sure to post a pic so everyone can see what my beard will look like when I'm older.

Day 15: Beard shaves itself

Below is an email from my friend Annie. I totally feel it is more appropriate for it to be here rather than in my inbox. She's referring to Keifer Sutherland.

"I totally think he wouldn't have gotten the DUI with it...I think
perhaps the beard would have absorbed all of the alcohol...you know
what lushes beards are...look at your blossoming beard...it was
absorbing every drop of beer that touched your face Friday...I'm not
even sure you got to drink that much...it totally needs to be checked
into rehab before it shaves itself like Britney!"

It's odd that this makes the third time I have written about Keifer. I think my subconscious obsession might have started with Doc Scurlock...he had a beard. On a side note, the whole idea of my beard shaving itself...is weird. I picture this two different ways:
1) It's commiting hari kari. A candle burns next to me creating shadow upon the rice paper walls. My beard fumbles about (it has no eyes) next to me looking for an electric razor. Finding it, the beard holds the razor for a long pause above itself. A driving beat can be heard from little drums on sticks being rubbed between hands. The razor falls, the beards life is extinguished. Cue Chicago, " I am the man who would fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you're dreamin' of. We'll live forever knowing together that we, did it all for the glory of love."
2) It is actually freeing itself from my face. Once disconnected it looks like that big red thing from Looney Tunes. Putting on a derby and monacle, it walks off into the sunset while the theme song from "Mr. Belvedere" plays.

I do find I have to drink a lot more when I have a beard. The beard steals it. Then I get embarrassed when the beard has absorbed too much and it's slapping asses, trying to make out with people, and screams, "Run HERZOG! Run!"

Day 14: Vous voulez toucher ma barbe rouge

I found out today that there is a possibility that I am going to have two weeks off for Christmas. Oh Fuck! Fuck Yeah! What a wonderful world. Everything is rosy since I started growing my ginger beard. I'm getting the hell out of dodge. I'm thinking Paris.
It has now been two weeks and the momentum I spoke of earlier is building. The itch stage has passed. From here on it's all growth. My friend Addy emailed me and asked me what I was gonna be for Halloween. I love Halloween. I love making costumes. I love sexy girls in sexy costumes. I don't know what I'm gonna be this year. Whatever it is has to incorporate ma barbe rouge. Here's a list Addy compiled for me:

Kenny loggins

God

Mr. T

"Snake" from Escape from New York

Moses

Wizard

Jesus

Billy goat

I like the first and fourth one the most. The only problem is I don't think they would require too much work. I'm looking for an extremely elaborate costume...but fun and I like having weapons.

Day 13: Productivity

Awoke to some powerful face itch and in the shower I got some blue facial beads from my face wash stuck in my gruff. These are both two great beard growing signs. Here comes The Beard! After the shower I finished my book followed by a walk with Stella. My plan for the day is to hide out. Usually, I'm never able to stick to this plan due to the temptations of friends, rock n' roll, food, alcohol, movies, etc. But today is different. More beard equals more willpower. For the rest of the day I will clean, paint, read, cook, do laundry, listen to music, play video games, and watch a movie. 12 hours later I have done all of this. Pat. Pat. Pat. This is what I'm doing to my back. Now I am settled in and watching a "Survivorman" marathon. He can survive anywhere. I hope they do a moon episode. One thing is certain, this guy can grow an amazing beard in a week. It's probably a necessity. It's a makeshift face blanket. Also, he caught a boobie and ate it.