DAY 54: Somewhere

Freezing cold, my nipples point which way to go. I'm at some club called something with a number after it. Why do bars, clubs, and restaurants in LA love numbers? It's Walters birthday and I'm trying to wear alcohol like a coat. Who would have thought half the club would be outside. Who would have thought that there would be a mime on stilts dancing in a pond outside. So this is Hollywood. My 100 proof coat is getting warm. I'm antsy and I run about as though I'm on fire having shots with Walter every now and again. The friendly smiles turn into frowns as I vomit streams of mismatched sentences. My coat is getting way to warm. I think I might have had two 2am's. Clocks drop back an hour. Going home me and Diggie stop for food.
"Dude, your eating all my bacon." Diggie scolds me. Back in the car I say, "we should go get something to eat."
"We just did. You had french toast."
Oh, I need to get out of this fucking coat.

DAY 53: THRONES

I meet Julie and Randu at the Pirate Bar after work for an open faced turkey sandwich and several beers. Randu is reluctant to drink since he is recovering from food poisoning. Five minutes later at La Cita he's feeling better and we're taking shots of Tequila. It was Shea's last day of work and co-workers have gathered. In the middle of the patio lays a monster dog. Brown and drooly with a head the size of a microwave. As Julie and Shea rub his belly they baby talk, "Who's the big doggy? Who's the big doggy? You like that dontcha? dontcha?" I turn to Randu, "Wow, this would make a great website, huh?" The sentence is out of my mouth before I realize I don't know who this person is. It's not Randu. He gives me a look like he walked in on his grandma giving me head. "What?" I say. His look dissipates and he replies, "I think they already have sites like that."
Our purpose tonight is to see "The Thrones". We get to The Smell, where they are playing, after a drink at Bar 107. We purchase our tickets and find out that they won't be playing for another hour. Off to another bar. Its down the alley and a left at 2nd street. As you enter mariachi music attacks your eardrums. The bar is reminiscent of a high school cafeteria (granted, a tougher high school than what I went to). After a conversation in spanglish, we pull up chairs at a fold out table and watch the dancing while taking turns going to the bathroom. Randu leaves and a short Mexican man wearing a cowboy hat with a thin mustache slams a chair into our table while he walks by. Julie giggles, he turns around and leans across our table. "Hrmmm brpppp." he slurs in broken english. "I'm sorry, what?" I slur back as Julie tries to explain that she was not laughing at him. I give him a friendly drunken smile but unfortunately it's not disarming. "Hrmmm brpppp." He slurs again. "Que?" I say.
"Hrmmm brpppp." He slurs again. I can't figure out if this is English or Spanish. He walks off and Randu sits down across from me. From across the room he shoots knives out of his eyes, returns to our table, and says "Hrmmm brpppp."
"I do not understand." I reply. He gets pissed and walks off. Randu leans into me and says, "Gringos are not allowed." As Randu explains that it was english he was speaking, the little man comes up behind us and begins talking to two other guys. He's pointing wildly at us, his body language saying he wants our asses kicked. The two guys don't give a fuck, but we decide to leave before he finds a couple that do.
I rock back and forth while I listen to The Thrones. The bass puts me into a deep trance while I zone out on a tattoo of Bob Dobbs. Gotta love The Thrones. His mighty beard amplifies his deep voice. A monk from the year 2100, a musical time traveler, a future viking.

DAY 52: Smoking

I've been smoking more. This is training for France. I want to be a really good smoker by the time I get there. It's only two months away, so I have to exercise my lungs. A crisp breeze and a pint of beer seem to be good buddies for this activity. The breeze always triggers nostalgia of smoking in Boise during the fall. Beer and cigarettes is a flavor combination that overshadows peanut butter and chocolate. I'm surprised it doesn't have it's own jolly rancher. Another cute couple is coffee and cigarettes, but they make me nervous. They're the poor man's Exlax. Gotta get back to work. Puff-1-2-3-Puff-1-2-3-Puff-1-2-3.

DAY 51: Office Halloween

The last two years everyone in the office has dressed up. I came in expecting to see an army of costumes. I saw maybe five. For lunch I go out with Melissa, Mikey, and Bri to the Pirate Bar (Redwood). Walking around downtown I feel like we are the only people dressed up in the city. Something about the bright day makes it all feel very surreal. Is this how cops, sailors, and baseball players feel? At Redwood, I have some delicious fish and chips. It's dark and everything is decorated with nets and ships. Later, back at the office, we have a costume contest. Good news about 20 people have had their costumes all day, they just hadn't put them on. I take third which is a massage at Burke Williams (do they give happy endings?), Brad took second as a coked out Brittany spears (I think coke is the theme of this Halloween) and Katie takes first as "Zoltar" from "Big".

(I will not take this photo down)

DAY 50: Tim Allen

Walking out of work with Adam and Melissa a Vulcan passed us walking a doberman in a red shirt. I told him this was illogical. He told me that the dog was a security officer. I mentioned that the "security officer" would be the first to go. Adam responds, "I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is."
"What's that from?" Melissa asks.
"Galaxy Quest."
Then we begin talking about Tim Allen. Big Bully, Santa Clause, The Shaggy DA, I've seen them all...unfortunately.
Melissa informs us that, "He ruins everything."
"Yeah," I say, "He ruined coke for me"
"Whaddya mean?"
"He used to deal coke." I say.
Adam shakes his head and replies, "Fucking Tim Allen...he sucked the fun out of coke."

From this day forward this is my reasoning for not doing coke. "Fucking Tim Allen...he sucked the fun out of coke."

DAY 49: Pillow Please

The only thing on my mind is sleep. I'm so fucking tired. I feel like I spent the weekend running a marathon. I want to fill a coffin with goose feathers and fall asleep while wearing one of those frozen eye masks. The lid will be shut and I will sleep for centuries before rising and sucking the blood of virgins. Fuck yeah virgin blood. I totally hear that keeps you young. People at work keep talking to me. I have no idea what they are saying. It comes out, "blarp renog blarg blarg pitter."
"Yeah, okay." I say. What am I committing myself to? I hope none of it involves treason or a intra office Oprah's Book Club.

DAY 48: Universal City

Tired...so tired. I keep passing out standing up. The teachers voice puts me to sleep. The computer puts me to sleep. The chair puts me to sleep. Chris calls and reminds me that I'm suppose to go to the Halloween Scare Fest at Universal City. If I don't I will regret it. I love being scared. We arrive early which is good since there is already a line. Inside, the streets are pumped with smoke and deformed monsters run at you with chainsaws. The first maze is the Friday the 13th. It makes me giddy...the anticipation of being scared. It's a controlled panic attack. The maze is great, though nothing "gets me" until the very end when I think a dummy without a head turns out to be a person who gets up and runs at me. I thought for sure it was a dummy. Not only that, but it happened right after another scare. Totally unexpected. Last year I went to Knott Scary Farms which had more mazes and less of a wait, but the costumes were not nearly as good as at Universal. On the backlot I see Leatherface tear off a girls face while she screams for us to help her. Someone from behind me compliments her shoes. She politely says, "Thanks you, now can you help me get out of here?" After the backlot it's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Maze followed by the Jurrasic Park ride (much better in the dark). While Chris dries himself off we go and wait in line for "The Bill & Ted's Halloween Show". Much funnier than I expected; Transforming Phone Booth with the receiver on his pelvis, two roller blading pirates dressed in velour, hot girls dancing, Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump making out, fire, and explosions. It's 11:30 and I'm falling asleep. The lines to get into mazes are over an hour long. We wait in line for the classic monster maze. It takes about 40 minutes to get in. Chris wants to try the Freddy Maze next. It has a 110 minute wait. Too fucking tired. I break it to Chris and head home. It's after two when I pass out. I gotta get up at 8:30 to walk the dog and go to work. Triple Fuck!